uneasy

i woke up this morning thinking of death. . .and life too I guess. It was that uneasy uncomfortable feeling like when you have a bad dream and you wake up and don't know yet whether it really was a dream or real.
what's it really all about?
maybe it is because my birthday was yesterday and I turned a year older.
maybe it's because I'm at a time in my life where I've lost several friend and acquaintances - it has just become more frequent. I think about this a lot lately.
I don't want to lose my parents . . .each day every one of us gets older - cliche' - yes - but it's really true - and the older you are the more you face your mortality.
I don't want to go through the inevitable - I just don't.
There is a website and books called Post Secret where people anonymously post their deepest secrets . . .mine would be - I'd rather die before my parents or siblings - because I don't want to have to face that pain.
But then I think of the pain and heartache that my death would have on my parents and my daughters - especially Mic - she's lost her father and uncle to suicide - and I know I must suck it up - grow up - face the music and learn to deal with life's inevitable endings. Because I wouldn't want to put the people I love the most on this earth through any pain.
I think of my parents getting older . . .I have a little 13 1/2 year old dog who is growing more feeble - that won't be around forever . . . life is just so strange. We spend our lives working, working, working to buy the things that we need and want and think we can't live without - and in the end - it's not going to matter one little bit - cause you can't take it with you and chances are - no one else wants it. I've come to the conclusion that we need so much LESS clutter and STUFF in our lives. The things we need more of are the things you can't buy - people - love - more time with the people you love.
It all goes by so quickly and you don't realize it until you get a little older. And then you blink again and it's like - WOW - I really can't be this old - I was going to do this - or be this - or be there by now - I'm supposed to be a grown up now. It just happens and you won't realize it - trust me when I tell you this - until it is upon you and you WILL wonder, really wonder where the years went. The daughter that slipped and split her chin open on the restaurant floor 'yesterday' in her little cowboy boots just gracefully walked down the aisle and married her best friend. And the baby girl that you didn't think you'd ever get to quit wanting to sleep with you cause she was scared in her own room - just moved not only into her own room - but her own apartment. And then you find yourself alone - again - or maybe in my case for the first time e-v-e-r. But then there is a glimmer of light - or hope - maybe it's God's way of telling you that you are going to be alright. Friends that you haven't talked to or seen in years miraculously reappear in your life and all seems okay at that moment. I still wonder what it's all about - I find life is a very strange thing the more I dwell on the thought. I guess we weren't meant to have all the answers. So love each other while you are here and never miss a moment to tell the ones you love that you love them - even if it's not reciprocated - cause what have you got to lose?
L-O-V-E - that is what it's all about - while we are here - this short little stint they call life - live it - say it and enjoy every second of it.

i think i'm one of the most fortunate people in the world.
. . . my life is truly blessed.

I am bored with every aspect of my life right now . . .

. . . I need to find something to do . . .

something fun, exciting and interesting. . .

I wish I could just start over. (with my daughers of course).

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

all i want for Christmas is YOU!

i'll just be waiting under here for you . . .

oh the weather outside is frightful!